Hear me out for a sec: I don’t know anyone who doesn’t get annoyed/irritated/set-off/turned off/angered/resentful with at least someone in their life. Whether it is seeing them in person, hearing them talk, seeing their posts on Facebook, experiencing them at the office, during family gatherings, or whatever the case may be, there is at least one (probably more) person or people in your life that really bother you. There’s someone that really can just get under your skin. And it may not be someone you personally know- it could be Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton. If you are like 30% of our nation, it’s probably both of them. 🙂 It could be “politicians” or rapists or child molesters. It could be an animal that attacked a child or it could be something inanimate like a particular rule, regulation or law. Don’t even get me started on it being illegal to buy alcohol on Sunday.
THAT SAID, most of us know that chronic negativity is an energy suck and does not serve us. We think- hey, I’m generally pretty positive, I’m doing pretty good. AND WE ARE – don’t get me wrong. I always always always want you to focus on the good stuff you are doing. But we know that when we get stuck in negativity and stay in a state of low vibrations, all we are attracting is more “bad,” illness, grief, and upsets, right? So, we try not to stay there.
But most of us, if we are being honest, are harboring negativity that we don’t even realize. And we only really think of it when it surfaces. What would serve us BEST, is to be more aware of it and to put effort into processing that negativity so that it is healed once and for all. It Matters. For realz.
That is the gift that keeps on giving. That is the gift you need to give yourself TODAY and EVERY DAY.
I am saying everyone has something, but it’s probably more realistic to say that we all have a healthy pool of things we could choose from. And my intent, in today’s blog, is not for you to go looking for this negativity. My intent is to encourage you to increase your awareness of when it surfaces, and instead of ignoring it, being super reactive, or just repressing it, I hope to give you some tools to process it. To get rid of it. To forgive it. To take AWAY its power that it currently has over you. That’s what this is about: taking back your power. It’s your choice to allow yourself to be affected by something that someone else says or does. It’s your choice to judge someone and deem them unfit.
Today’s blog is inspired from real life, as most of my blogs are. I am not immune to this- I am super super normal and possibly have more than a normal amount of things that I need to address.- in fact I found myself saying “I have so much room for growth” about a dozen times today alone. Just being honest.
I was on a Facebook group and I read someone’s post, and I had this terrible gut reaction. “Ughhhhh. God I just do NOT like that woman.” It surprised me because I don’t know her very well. I’ve only had a few interactions with her, but my assessment – my interpretation of our interactions – is that she is not a woman of high integrity, not someone that “came through” on things that she had committed to and, well I’ll just say it- it happened more than once to the point where I thought, yeah I am not going to interact with this person any more. And I realized, somewhat surprised really, “wow…I really really don’t like her.” I thought I simply didn’t care for her and chose not to engage with her, but turns out it’s more than that. And truly- almost immediately upon processing that this afternoon, I thought, “well that’s dumb. What a waste of my good energy to not like her!” And yet there it was.
So what do we do in those situations? I’m not saying you aren’t justified. I’m not saying you didn’t have a bad experience. We cannot change the past. I don’t like to dwell in the past- I don’t think it serves us. BUT THAT SAID, if you are harboring this negativity- it hurts you more than anyone else. It probably also hurts those around you who witness your reactivity as well. Just sayin. But we are focusing on you right now. So, more than anything else, it messes with your good vibe. When we allow this negativity to reside within us – and we can feel it come up around this person/place/thing – it’s not good for our health, it’s not good for our intentional living, it’s just not good all around. I hate when people say it’s “being the bigger person and just letting it go” because it is so much more than that. But call it what you will.
Here are some recommended strategies:
- My number one strategy is to – very briefly – see my own role in the situation. What meaning am I assigning to the even that took place that made me decide this woman was not someone of integrity? What story did I tell and then what emotion did I assign to that story? When I can see my personal role, I am more willing to give someone else a second chance, I am more willing to let go (without retaining resentment). Once I identify the story, I can retell it- and you should. Just like that. I can go from “That asshole just cut me off” to “Lord, please watch over that man, I hope everything is ok.” With this woman I mentioned earlier…there was money that was supposed to come to me from her and it did not ever happen. What if instead of being driven by feeling wronged, I instead said- ok, well it was just money and I don’t want to give money my power either. And maybe she really wanted/hoped/planned to give me the money, but something dire came up in her life and she was too embarrassed to admit it. Maybe just maybe, I don’t know all there is to know about her and maybe she is carrying an enormous cross. Is there a circumstance where I would completely excuse her behavior? So why assume the worst? Why not assume the best?
- Number two – Believing that “it’s not about me.” You’ve seen Good Will Hunting right? Remember the scene? Why do we believe everything is about us? Why do we believe it is a reflection of us? Again, this involves taking an intentional perspective- deciding to see the situation from another viewpoint and understanding – this is not about me. They have their own stuff they are dealing with. It’s not about me. Did they wrong me? Yes. It’s not about me. Was I betrayed? It’s not about me. They have shit in their lives. It’s a choice they have made. And I can forgive more easily once I can step outside the situation and get to the place where I know it’s not about me.
- Number 3 – Use a ritual to forgive, forgive, forgive. I love the Hoʻoponopono Method – an ancient Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness – stating I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you. Learn more in Joe Vitale’s book, Zero Limits. Very powerful stuff. Can you send them love and acceptance? If it feels fake to you, then you aren’t there yet. Keep processing. You want to be in a place where you genuinely wish them well.
- Do something – take action- do your part so that you feel like you are positively affecting the situation. Notice I said POSITIVELY. I am not suggesting you go participate in a riot or other negative/destructive behavior. Contact your congressman or representative, donate to a charity that supports your beliefs, or hell, start your own non-profit! On a less global scale, you could reach out to someone and “clear the air.” Or if they don’t know you hate them, consciously choose to find things you have in common- try to build a bridge not burn it.
I know I am preaching to the choir, but we will all be better off when it becomes easier and easier to let shit go, to let something roll off our back, to be unaffected by what others say and do. Don’t give away your power. And also, know that when someone or something can sour your mood, it shouldn’t be left unaddressed. That shit’s toxic for you and everyone around you! Now go out there and spread some love my friend! Oh yeah and kick some ass at rocking your awesomeness, rinse and repeat 😉 xoxoxoxox
Jamie Goins is a transformational life & business coach extraordinaire, training expert & founder of Intentional Perspective. ::Switching to 1st person:: If Bob Harper and Jillian Michaels ever had a love child, you’d probably get someone like me- not me, but close. 😉 It is my absolute passion to provide support, guidance, accountability, and encouragement to small business owners, mom-preneurs and others on their journey to gain clarity, discover new opportunities and achieve their highest aspirations. I love life, love having fun, and love helping others be outrageously successful. Come join me on my playground!